For Now (Broken Promises #1) Read online

  “Jesus,” Braydon’s voice comes from the stairway and I see the switch in Lane flip.

  He takes a deep breath, eyes still locked on mine, and shakes his head gently before whispering to me those three heartbreaking words. “I’m sorry, Al.”

  Gently, he sets me on the ground and runs his hands through his hair. I feel cold. I never wanted to be put down and now that I am, now that Braydon is eyeing us like he knows something’s up, I feel like I could throw up and cry and sleep for about a week.

  “Dude, what the fuck was that?” He demands, walking up to us, watching me try to compose myself. I bet there’s makeup smeared all down my face and I know I look like a hot mess. Luckily I don’t really care. These two have a lot of talking to do. They kept this from me… and that’s not ok.

  “I had to get out of there, Braydon,” Lane grumbles, kicking a rock and starting to pace.

  “I understand, dude… you’re just overwhelmed… but you can’t walk out of an office and refuse treatment, dude. That shit’s going to save your life!”

  “What?!” Lane roars in laughter. “You really think my life is going to be saved by pumping it with poison and shit? No. Late stage Pancreatic Cancer, Bray. Not coming back from it.”

  Holy shit. It feels like the wind has been knocked out of me.

  Late stage?

  “Shit,” I huff, bracing myself against Braydon’s car. Black spots threaten my vision and I realize I’m not breathing. “Oh my God,” I whisper to myself.

  “Jesus, Al,” Braydon says, rushing over to me and taking me in his arms. “I can’t believe you’ve fucking kept this from her, man. Did you not think she wasn’t going to find out?” He’s practically growling at Lane but I can’t see anything but my feet as I try to normalize my breathing. I feel like I’m gasping for air but I can’t find it.

  He’s going to die.

  “Oh… I… I can’t… I have to go,” I mumble, trying to get out of Braydon’s warm arms and make my way to my car. I’m about to pass out but I need to get away from this… these… emotions.

  “Stop, Al. Please,” Lane’s voice cuts into my thoughts and I look up to meet his red rimmed gaze. “I’m sorry.” It’s merely a whisper but it’s just loud enough to break through the misery starting to swarm my head.

  Pushing my lips together, unable to form words, a sob breaks free. I clutch my hand to my mouth, like it’s going to help hold the emotions in until I’m alone. I can’t let him see me this weak. He’s the one that has cancer. I need to be strong for him.

  He looks over at Braydon, giving him a slight shake of his head, and sighs.

  “I was going to tell her today, Bray. I just didn’t want her worrying if the tests all came back fine and there was nothing to worry about.”

  “She’s your best friend AND manager, dude. You should’ve told her the day you found out there was a possibility of it.”

  “I know.” He sighs and wraps his arms around me again, resting his chin on my head as I willingly curl into him. “Believe me, I know.”

  Forcing myself to disconnect, I pull away and wipe my eyes, pissed that I’m showing myself to be so weak when I need to be the strong one. Braydon’s shaking his head and moves his gaze to the ground while Lane is watching me, seemingly afraid that I’m going to run.

  “So…” I start, then take a calming breath. “Tell me everything.” I’m looking at Lane, but when the only reaction from him is a clenched jaw, my eyes flick to Braydon who’s staring Lane down. “Jesus, you two are terrible,” I mutter.

  “Can we do this somewhere else?” Lane asks, glancing around. “This isn’t really… private… enough,” he whispers, watching a couple walk out to their car.

  “I’m not letting you leave here without setting up your appointments.” Braydon’s voice is stern but he looks so relaxed leaning against his car. He’s ready to force Lane back inside, but he’s holding it at bay.

  If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Braydon in the past few years, it’s not to mess with the ones he loves. He’ll do anything it takes to get Lane whatever treatment he needs… and I’ll be right there next to him helping him. We need to save our friend.

  “Let’s go,” I say, grabbing Lane’s hand. When met with resistance I spin and glare at him. “Listen to me, Lane Sheridan… I’m taking your ass back inside, we’re making those fucking appointments, and if I have to move the fuck in with you in order to keep you going back and kick this cancer’s ass, I’m going to. We’re making the appointments, then we’re going back to your place so you can tell me everything the doctor said to you today.” I huff, then glare at Braydon. “Thank you for keeping me in the loop, Bray. Your ass is staying with us today, too… I’m sure Lane didn’t retain things as well as you today and I never want to be out of the loop again.”

  “Al, I didn’t-” I raise my hand and stop him from protesting.

  “Stop. Appointment first, discussion later.” I’m pissed, but I’m also scared and I fucking hate being scared. So instead of wallowing in self pity that the man I love has cancer, I’m strapping on my big girl panties and I’m forcing his ass to kick the ass of this demon that’s made its way into his body.

  Then I’ll tell him how much I love him.

  Sounds like a good plan.

  By the time we set up his scans and treatments for the week it’s already dinner time and he’s had multiple pain spells. Braydon drops us off at the apartment and heads out to grab us some Thai food to give us a little alone time. We need to talk about this, and I need him to understand that just becase he has cancer doesn’t mean he’s going to die.

  “You want anything to drink?” he asks from the kitchen.

  “No I’m good,” I say, plopping down on the couch and grabbing a blanket. It’s not cold in here, but I have the chills and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m getting sick or that I’m seriously nervous about this conversation.

  Probably the latter of the two.

  “So…” he drawls out, sitting on the couch next to me. I instinctively put my legs on his lap and stretch out, resting my back on the arm of the couch. We sit like this sometimes while watching movies, so it’s nothing new, but after the parking lot incident I can’t help but feel a warmth speading to parts of my body that don’t need to be warm right now.

  Like between my legs.

  His hand instinctively rests on my shin and he takes a deep breath. I’m trying not to start in on him with the questions. I know he’s going to tell me everything tonight, and I know it’s all coming out… I don’t want to be the nagging friend. He takes a breath and prepares himself for the hardest thing he’s ever had to tell me.

  “About a month ago I started having terrible pains… horrible. Mostly stomach pains, some full body, some back pains. They would wake me up in the middle of the night, hit me while I’m working out… there was no rhyme or reason to them. I tried changing my diet, exercise… got a new mattress topper thinking it was that. It wasn’t until Braydon caught one of my spells that he talked me into seeing a doctor.”

  He takes a moment to compose his thoughts and I think back to the last month. He has been acting a little different towards me but I had assumed it’d been because he had a girlfriend he didn’t want me to know about. I’m not sure why my mind went to that, but it did, and now I feel like a horrible friend for not noticing something’s been wrong with him all this time.

  “As soon as they felt around and did some blood work and saw very abnormal levels of bilirubin they knew it was beyond their practice.”

  “Isn’t that something that happens with babies?” I remember a friend’s baby having the bilirubin test, but I’ve never heard of it for adults.

  “It can happen with anyone, Al. It’s a chemical that can reach high levels in patients with pancreatic cancer due to blockage of the common bile duct.”

  “How do you know all of this already?”

  I sigh when his hands start to massage my shin gently, loving the feel of my bod
y on his. Even if it’s just the legs, I’ll take what I can get.

  “They referred me to Dr. Stanley. My appointment with him was about as fast paced as doctor appointments go… until they read the scans and the initial tests started coming back. He spent a lot of time with me going over things that day because he could see I was nervous. I guess shit like that just sticks.” He pauses and sighs, running his hands down his face before going back to my massage. “Then the biopsy happened and-”

  “When?”

  “When what?” He takes my foot and slips my shoe off, then gently starts rubbing my foot and I feel that heat again, right when I shouldn’t be.

  “When was the biopsy?” I whisper, thinking back to last week.

  “Last Thursday afternoon.” He’s not looking at me, but intently rubbing the insole of my foot and studying the way his hand glides along my skin.

  Jesus that feels good.

  “When you told me you had to go meet your friend for dinner?” I whisper, remembering him rushing out right after the shoot and getting in a car I didn’t recognize. “Who picked you up?”

  He sighs and shakes his head.

  “Kaleb,” he says. “He just dropped me off. Bray met me there and sat with me through everything he could.”

  “Why’d you let him in and not me?” It hurts, and I don’t want to cry again, but everything today seems to have fallen down around me and I’m slowly trying to crawl out of the rubble in one piece. It’s not looking pretty, though. When he huffs and shakes his head I see him starting to build his walls again… the walls that kept me out the first time.

  “He forced his way in, Al. I wasn’t going to even go to the doctor… Shit, I’m not even sure if I’m glad I did right about now. “

  “Don’t say that.” I sit up, resting my hand on his arm.

  “I mean it. I wouldn’t be this worried about shit and rethinking everything I ever did if I never knew.”

  “Jesus, Lane… if you never found out I would’ve found you dead one day and never knew why!” I slap his arm and try to move my legs away from him, pissed that he could be that selfish. His hands tighten around my ankles, though, and he groans.

  “Please, just listen to me, Al.” He moves his gaze to my eyes finally, and I see the tears threatening to spill over his eyelids. “Please.”

  “Fine... I’m all ears.” I slump back down, rage, hurt, anger, and fear rolling through me. He takes a moment to compose his thoughts, then he finally opens up to me. He finally talks about what I can tell he’s been avoiding this whole time.

  “There’s a lot I’ve done in my life. A lot I’m proud of, and some I’m not. I’ve done things I wish I never would have done, and there are things I wish I would’ve done a long time ago and never did. I left my family years ago and haven’t looked back… I haven’t had contact with them since I walked out their front door almost ten years ago. I don’t know what my brother looks like, I don’t know if any of them are still alive or in jail or what.”

  “It’s not too late-”

  “I’m not finished.” He whispers a curse then sighs and shakes his head. “Come here,” he says, pulling me up by my arm.

  I sit up and don’t put up a fight as he lifts me up to sit on his lap. The knot growing in my throat is almost painful because of my trying to get it to go away. He takes his hands and rests them on the side of my face. When he closes his eyes and rests his forehead on mine I feel a tear slip down my cheek. I’ve never known Lane to be this open with anyone. This is too real. He’s hurting and I’m being selfish. Why am I mad at him? He’s scared right now, and I’m being a bitch to him. My hands instinctively go to his arms as we sit here, foreheads touching, breaths synced, for what feels like a lifetime. In a hushed tone, he finally starts talking.

  “I didn’t want to tell you right away… not because I don’t want you to know… but because I couldn’t stand the thought of you hurting for no reason.” His voice a raw whisper, he takes a breath and backs his head away, his thumbs gently caressing my cheek. I’m in awe of this man right now. Lane Sheridan, my best friend on this planet and the man I’m madly in love with, is hurting so bad and I can’t do anything to help him. Fuck this hurts. “I was going to tell you, Al. I promise. I was going to call you tonight. I was going to come over and tell you. In person. I just… I couldn’t make you worry if it were for nothing.”

  “I’m your best friend, Lane. I can handle it,” I whisper, resting my hands on his.

  He shakes his head and gently chuckles, his hands moving to my thighs, squeezing gently.

  “You don’t get it do you?” He asks, his hands returning to cup my face. “I love you, Al.” His voice not pained anymore, his eyes brighter than I’ve seen them in days. My heart is practically beating out of my chest and I think I’ve stopped breathing.

  “What?” I whisper, eyes wide, watching a single tear slip down his cheek. Shaking my head, I feel myself start to cry and can’t hold it back anymore. I’ve waited years to hear those words come from his lips. “Please don’t, Lane. Don’t just say this because you think it’s what I want to hear.”

  “I’d never do anything to hurt you on purpose, Al. Ever. I promise.” He shakes his head gently, his thumb tracing my bottom lip as I stare in awe, still trying to grasp on to what’s happening.

  The minute he starts to move in for a kiss the door busts open and in barges Braydon with the worst timing ever.

  “Jesus, those assholes are slow!” he announces as he drags in two wet bags of food. “It’s pouring out there, too, guys. Alexis you’re not leaving anytime soon,” he says, walking into the living room. All I can do it sit in Lane’s lap, staring into his wide eyes, and watch the smirk start across his face.

  Lane

  Bray’s always had the absolute worst timing ever, and he’s proven that twice now. Well… worst for me. I’m sure if he had it his way he’d have had Al already, but he’s not dumb… I’ve never told him, but he knows how I feel about her and if he doesn’t, then he should. I can’t stop myself from grinning, because saying those damn words finally took a weight off my shoulder. The look on her face when I said them made everything less stressful today.

  Relief.

  She was happy for a brief second, her lips felt so soft under my thumb and all I could think was how perfect they would feel to kiss, but of course, Braydon had to ruin that moment.

  “What’s going on?” he asks, entering the room with a beer in hand. His eyes take in the sight in front of him and he cocks his head then grins. I’m sure it’s a sight, too. Al’s hair is a mess from me running my hands through it, her eyes are still locked on mine looking like she just got caught doing something very wrong, and she’s still straddling my lap. It’s a good thing, too, because I’m starting to sport some serious wood. “’Bout fucking time,” he mutters, then sits in the rocker across the room and crosses his ankle over his knee. “BUT,” he shouts, making Al jump and laugh. She slides off my lap gently, grinning as her leg brushes over my attraction to her.

  “What?” I say, mimicking his crossed legs so he doesn’t notice the tent popping up.

  “You guys talk it all out I guess?” He takes a sip of his beer, eyeing me curiously. He wouldn’t do anything about it right now, but I know the minute she leaves I’ll be getting the third degree from him.

  “We talked about everything up until today. I know some things, but I don’t know everyhing the doctor told you guys,” Alexis speaks up, hopping up to grab a beer. “You want anything?” she asks me.

  “No, I’m ok,” I say. Truth is, hangovers are ten times worse lately so it’s not really worth it. Maybe it’s got something do with the cancer.

  “Well… I can tell you that Mr. Beautiful over there wasn’t paying much attention to the good ol’ doc today.” Braydon taps his temple, taking another drink. “I managed to maintain pretty much everything he said.”

  “Then you can enlighten me as to what we’re facing here. A few weeks of chemo? Radiation? P
ills?”

  Braydon shakes his head and finishes his beer, then leans forward with his elbows on his knees.

  “Late stage pancreatic cancer. It’s metastasized, meaning the cancer resides in multiple organs. There’s a fear it might have spread to the brain and bones already, hence the bone scan and what-not scheduled for tomorrow.”

  Alexis gasps at the mention of it being that far… that bad. I heard the doctor’s words, I remember everything that he told me, but it’s all starting to hit home that this might be it. This could be the end of my life and I’m not fucking ready. That damn ball is back in my throat and I want to claw it out. Now’s not the time for tears.

  “What’s all this mean?” Al’s voice is merely a pained whisper, breaking my heart. I reach over and take her hand, trying to convey that I’m not scared shitless about this. Braydon shrugs and shakes his head. I know my best friend, and I know he puts up walls the minute things start to get tough. He cares, he’s just not good at showing it.

  “It means we take this thing day by day. He’s going to have to learn to eat differently and healthier… no more late night burger trips,” he chuckles. “If it’s chemo and radiation that it takes to beat this, then that’s what we do.”

  “I can’t do radiation and chemo and shit, Bray. I have a job that requires certain physical attributes to be present. Like hair. And muscles. Those treatments kill all of that.”

  “Yea, bro… and it also kills the cancer inside of you that’s trying to kill you! This late in the game pancreatic cancer can be deadly if not attacked hard and fast.”

  A sob escapes Alexis with Braydon’s brash terms.

  “Jesus, man,” I huff.

  “You have to do it, Lane,” she whispers, her teary eyes finding mine. “We’ll figure out job and money shit. That doesn’t even matter… we need you. I… I need you.” A tear slips down her cheek.